23 Anywhere: If you're alone and sad on Christmas

I saw an (that's since been taken down) a little while ago that worried me. He felt sad and alone on Christmas, and like he couldn't take the pain anymore. If you're alone and need a friend, I'm happy to be a friend. I just want you to know that there is someone in the world who loves you to the moon and back, and would be forever broken because you're gone.

Dear Miles,

Today we made cookies with the girls. You would be shocked to see how much our little nieces have grown. I taught Rachel how to shave her legs today. She just started middle school and is in that really uncomfortable awkward stage we both remember so well. The little ones are 6 and 7 and full of energy. Grace cheated her way through 3 games of Uno and Nicole snuck two cookies when she thought I wasn’t looking. You have a new niece as well. Sarah is 3 months old and the cutest, sweetest little baby in the world… actually, she cries like hell demon like 35% of the time- but she looks really cute she when’s sleeping. I’m really sad that Sarah will never get the chance to know her uncle… but at the same time, she won’t have to grieve you either. Rachel’s having a really hard time. You guys were so close. I didn't have a lot of words of comfort to offer, so I just held her. I went to the bathroom afterwards and cried myself hoarse. It's really hard watching our nieces grieve your loss. I can't imagine how much harder it will be when I will one day have to watch my own children grow up without you

I have a new boyfriend… Jon. He’s pretty great. I really love him. Like in really for real way. He’s kind and smart and hot as fuck. You would love him. He knows about you… but after three years I still can’t talk about you without my words catching in my throat and my chest feels like it’s going to explode from the pressure. Ryann got married, you’d hate him. Connor started doing drugs after you died, he got clean a year ago, and then relapsed, got clean again, relapsed, and is now (hopefully) sober. It’s hard to imagine what would make someone decide to start doing meth- but maybe the only thing more fucked up than doing meth is learning how to live without your brother. I worry about him constantly. I dream about him dying. I don’t think I can handle losing another brother.