34 welcome to my swan song, gentlemen.

That’s right. You heard it here first. I am 34 years old, have found no success in the league, and am playing one more game before I retire. In faOntario, I’m going to Brady it and make it a mess instead of going out on top and retiring 3 posts ago when my DMs were on fire.

Brady playing one season too long is literally all I know about sports and it’s because he was also getting divorced at the same time and I love the drama. Don’t talk to me about sports.

I am on the east coast, 5’4, 132 lbs and I will edit this post if I wake up tomorrow and am miraculously 131 lbs. Have gotten all positive reviews about my face but I’ll send you a pic right away and you can decide for yourself. Maybe you don’t like hot girls, I can’t decide these things for you.

I have a husband, kids, and a job that will make you assume I am intelligent. You will be incorrect about that. You will not notice me having rocks for brains on a day to day basis, and may even find me witty and clever at times, but rest assured my short term memory does not exist and I’m better in writing than on the phone because my brain is on a 3 second delay. That being said, I am a pleasure to converse with.

Alright, and now let’s talk about you. Typically I get 200+ messages, as I’m sure all the women on this sub do. I’m hoping to get *maybe* 3 from this post and it’s because everyone took my words to heart and saved us both the time of me having to roll my eyes at and delete your message because even though you read my post and aren’t a fit you’d still like to “chat,” or just wanted to let me know I “sound great” even though you know we’re not a fit. If you’ve messaged me before and didn’t get a response, I didn’t miss it. I take this shit super cereal, like a treasure hunt. You were ignored for a reason and there’s really no sense in revisiting it. If I slow-faded you or ghosted you but you think you meet all my criteria, I was obviously in the wrong there and am happy to give it another shot, babe.

I’m assuming pretty much everyone has been deemed absolutely appalled by my piss poor attitude by now, but for anyone still here, you’re doing great, maybe you’re my dream man after all. Let’s continue.