40s Reverse psychology

When posting, I've always stated what I wanted you to be. Got mixed results, mostly awful. The few interesting ones fizzled out, there was no connection, chemistry or physical attraction.

I always go in with high expectations. So now I'll do exactly the opposite.
What you still need to bring on:
- hopefully, instead of "hi" - just a glorious pick of your manhood
- awful conversation, send only dirty gifs, send your dick picks from your private collection every fifth minute
- answer my texts only after 57 min.
- be the most superficial man alive
- God forbid you are well spoken or read, witty, funny
- use the same spelling for their/they're/there
- you need to hike at least 5hrs a day, cook for another 3, gym - another 2hrs a day, but still be on the verge of being overweight.
- photography, arts, music - another must, but have absolutely no education
- dirty comments on sluttiest subs on this site; if possible - borderline to being registered on a sex offenders list
- again, don't you dare to be tall, hwp, trimmed, clean
- have only snapchat as preferred communication platform
- for heaven's sake, don't be interesting
- no mind blowing sex in sight
- the bushier body parts, the better
- comment my post with "dm me"
- foreplay? What's that?
- posting every 8hrs while we are chatting
- bitch about your SO every single minute but still tell me in greatest detail how you fucked her last night.

And one more thing: absolutely no sarcasm. I have enough of that for both of us.

Bring it on, boys. This one should be easy.

Edit: I blame the misspelling on my native language and autocorrect