35 PNW: Shout out to the middle men

I wonder sometimes about my past APs.

Some ending abruptly, harsh, without explanation. Others a prolonged detachment, dull and aching for the connection you know you’re losing (one could argue that this is sometimes worse). Some ending on my terms, some on theirs. Some ending with dignity and recognition of something beautiful shared, a clean ending to an otherwise good chapter. Others like a chill of shame down your spine, melancholy and remorseful. Nonetheless, each one leaving me with parting gifts of growth and self discovery. I’m grateful for them all, even the ones that still make me sad with wonder or that I wish I could check in with from time to time. Even the ones I never wish to talk to again.

But for every one AP, there are handfuls of connections that came first. The stepping stones that led to that ultimate goal AP. The ones that never get off the ground, for whatever reason. Poor timing, unreciprocated attraction, opposing availability, time zones, extinguishing chemistry, the cessation of loneliness and desire come morning and sobriety kicks in (guilty), technical difficulties and crossed wires, etc. The list goes on.

There are the connections I wish i remembered more of. I wonder who is still here and who has moved beyond this lifestyle. What ones could have been more? If given the chance it didn’t have, could it have been special? What would our story have been? I don’t regret not pursuing them, it all unfolded as it was supposed to - but I can’t help but wonder. Sometimes I wish I could remember enough about one of them to make a post. My siren call. Just enough detail to ignite their memory of me - the one I want to share with them. Maybe they aren’t meant to be resurrected and are better off remaining part of my1this site mental scrapbook.

So cheers to the middle men and women, who still serve a purpose even though it may not be \*the\* purpose.