Seeking Sidekick: Must Enjoy Chaos, Conversation & Questionable Superpowers.

About Me:

Mild‑mannered citizen by day, highly functional disaster‑mitigation specialist by night. I fight crime, rescue cats from trees, and occasionally stop the universe from collapsing because someone pressed the wrong glowing button. My cape is flame‑retardant, my morals are flexible but principled, and my cardio is excellent.

About You:

I’m not looking for someone with useful powers. No flight, no super strength, no laser eyes. That’s too easy.

I want the interesting stuff:

\- Can you turn any beverage lukewarm instantly

\- Do you always know when someone is lying, but only if they’re talking about sandwiches

\- Can you teleport, but only to places you’ve never wanted to go

\- Do streetlights flicker when you’re anxious

\- Can you speak to animals, but they only gossip

If your power makes people say “...why though?” you’re exactly my type.

Essential Qualities:

\- Must be able to hold a good conversation while sprinting away from danger

\- Comfortable with moral grey areas, but not the dark grey where villains hang out

\- Enjoys long walks on rooftops

\- Can handle constructive feedback like “please stop touching the cursed artefacts”

\- Good sense of humour — villains hate that

\- Must not monologue. Ever.

Perks of the Role:

\- Flexible hours (crime doesn’t schedule itself)

\- Free travel (mostly falling, occasionally gliding)

\- Access to my secret base, which is only slightly damp

\- Opportunities for personal growth, character development, and dramatic slow‑motion entrances

\- Dental

Dealbreakers:

\- If your origin story involves a tragic backstory, that’s fine.

\- If it involves three tragic backstories, you might be a villain.

\- If you refer to yourself in the third person, you definitely are.

Apply Within:

Send a message with your name, your most useless ability, and one fun fact about yourself. Bonus points if your fun fact is also slightly concerning.