45 A Walden For Two

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I don't feel at home in this world anymore...

The first time I heard that phrase, it hit me like a freight train (I'm not really trying to channel anything about the movie, just the sentiment).

The more time that passes, the less tethered I feel...to anything. And everything surrounding me just feels like a horribly relentless noise I have to escape from.

I plod through the routine of life feeling unseen, not understood, approached not with hostility but with a kind of benign indifference that cuts just as deeply.

Surely I'm not the only one who feels this way? Is there anyone out there who feels the feelings I am struggling to describe?

My coping mechanism, heretofore, has been a kind of emotional hermeticism. I lead a pretty simple and unplugged life. I retreat into my love of reading and nature and time at the gym, but that can only take you so far.

It's like that scene at the end of Into The Wild when McCandless, starving and on the verge of death, scrawls out the epiphany that happiness is only real when it is shared.

Maybe that's where I feel like im headed emotionally, and I'm trying to give myself a new trajectory before its too late and I just shut down the piece of myself that yearns for intimacy.

Which leads me to memories of another book from the days of high school English class...Walden. Maybe Thoreau had the right idea, finding a cozy little cabin by a lake in Massachusetts where you can reconnect with life at its most elemental level.

The only problem is, real life responsibilities kind of make it impossible to just rush off for an idyllic slice of New England solitude.

But what if Walden could be more than just a place? What if it could be a state of mind? Ideally for me, it would be a cabin just big enough for two. A perfect little retreat where two lost souls could shut the door to the outside world and escape into one another.

Anyone out there interested in putting a deposit down with me for what I hope will be a long term stay for 2?

I know this message is rambling, disjointed, and ultimately only half-sensical at best. But if you've made it this far you can probably glean a few things: 1) I feel an existential loneliness, 2) I love reading and sharing ideas, and 3) I haven't totally given up on the idea that there's a woman out there who might be seeking a similar kind of emotional escape.