conspirator for life and Costco runs. By day I’m a Mafia bean counter, by night a pillow-fort CEO. Bonus points if you’re brave enough for Saturday Costco trips and can keep up with sarcastic banter.

About Me

College educated, fluent in English, sarcasm, and the occasional bad pun. Big fan of Suits because nothing says thrilling drama like corporate loopholes and HGTV. In the kitchen, I cook, bake, and argue with my oven over who’s the real master chef.

I don’t drink or do drugs. Unless you count caffeine, in which case I’m basically a bean addiOntario. My nightlife is less clubbing till 2 a.m. and more building pillow fort empires and bingeing Netflix until cliffhangers leave me emotionally bankrupt. Basically, I’m a homebody with a 5-star rating on Yelp for snacks.

I lean conservative. Not here to debate politics, just putting it out there in case that’s a dealbreaker. Better to find that out before we bond over banana bread and binge-watching.

About You

You’re in your 30s, educated, and steady in your career. Bonus points if you can use there, their, and they’re correctly without breaking a sweat. You can hold a conversation that’s more than “hey” (plot twist, you’re actually interesting). You send memes that perfectly capture life’s chaos because sometimes a GIF says more than a whole paragraph.

You don’t smoke, do drugs, drink heavily, have tattoos, piercings, or kids. I like my drama like my Netflix, available on demand, not in real life. You’re thoughtful, communicative, and remember the small things, like my coffee order or which side of the blanket I hog.

Lastly, you live in the same country. Love letters are cute, but customs forms are not, and I’m not DHL Express. I don’t handle international returns.

One Ask

Please complete Step 1 of your interview: send a recent photo and a proper introduction about yourself. Step 2, I’ll provide mine. Successful candidates may inherit a corner office in my pillow fort empire. Perks include snacks, sarcasm, and questionable business decisions.