33 : Looking for temporary boyfriend while mine is being held hostage at a luxury Mexican resort

My current boyfriend is temporarily unavailable due to international circumstances beyond my control and what I can only describe as cartel-adjacent scheduling conflicts. While negotiations are ongoing, I am accepting applications for a Short-Term Emotional Support Boyfriend.

This is a contract position. No 401k. The duration of employment is directly correlated with the successful release of unnamed hostages.

Responsibilities include:

\- Pretending to care about my day

\- Sending good morning texts for me to wake up to

\- Watching Love is Blind with me (American version only. International versions hit too close to home atm).

Preferred Qualifications:

\- Fluency in Spanish, ideally with the sophistication necessary to negotiate hostage terms calmly

\- Working knowledge of diplomatic de-escalation strategies

Compensation includes the hope to see my boobs. At best, you’ll get tasteful cleavage pics. My boyfriend is being held hostage, he’s not dead, so no nudes.

Can’t wait to hear from you.