An Offer You Can’t Refuse

Ladies, I’m offering my AP services for an exclusive engagement. This is a rare opportunity so you should act quickly.

Some features and benefits that will be part of this experience:

\\- zero judgment when you wait in long lines to buy overpriced coffee drinks

\\- similar non-judgment for watching (insert modifier) housewife reality shows

\\- zero unsolicited dicks pics (solicited are another story)

\\- unlimited sarcasm (bordering on snarky but stopping just short)

\\- slightly above average sex (well above average enthusiasm and effort, though)

\\- happy to indulge your need for affirmation with daily “good mornings” and “goodnights” and “you look greats”

\\- zero ghosting or slow fades (but may address reverse applications of said transgressions)

So, I’m sure that you can why this is a great opportunity.

Act now, while supplies last!